


in the end of the wave

by sauveznous



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-01-16 21:10:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12350697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sauveznous/pseuds/sauveznous
Summary: They were happy, they were in love, they were almost there. They just didn't know each other better.





	1. swim

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [green window](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8346712) by [sauveznous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sauveznous/pseuds/sauveznous). 



> Green Window's MiNayeon. Or just Mina, really.

Mina wanted to love Nayeon the way Nayeon loved her. She wanted to give Nayeon the world the way Nayeon gave her one. She wanted to do wonders to Nayeon the way Nayeon did to her. Mina wanted nothing but Nayeon and she chanted it every single time in her head like a prayer. She wanted Nayeon so much until it hurt her, but she didn’t mind.

Mina just wanted Nayeon to be with her.

-

Nayeon was that weird girl Mina never expected to meet. Especially not inside an empty alley, with Nayeon washing her dirty hands with flowing reddened water because of her blood.

Mina might not be the softest girl in the world, but the sight of that much blood from a pretty girl’s hands wasn’t so pleasant to see. She couldn’t help but halt her steps and stared in awe, and a little bit of disgust, at the girl. The last thing she wanted was the girl to see her too, but the girl did, and she gave Mina a bright smile.

It freaked Mina even more.

When Mina turned away, the girl chased after her. _It’s not like what you think!_ Mina heard her saying that. She frowned. What was she thinking, anyway? And why was that so important for the girl?

A strong grip prevented her to walk further and Mina was forced to look back. The girl flashed another bright smile at her and Mina wondered how did one even smile that much. It must’ve been exhausting.

“I’m learning handicraft arts, that’s why,” The girl tried to explain, but Mina still didn’t understand of _why_ she had to do it, “I cut myself accidentally a few times but it happens a lot!”

_And?_

When Mina raised her eyebrows at the blabbering girl, it seemed like the latter caught her confusion and then continued, “I just don’t want you to misunderstand. It must be weird bumping into someone with bloody hands, right?”

Mina just shrugged. Oh well, she couldn’t care less.

“Hey, why do I feel like I’ve never seen you before?”

Mina frowned deeply. It was actually _her_ who had never seen this girl before. This neighborhood was where she had lived her whole life and this alley was one of the shorter ways to get back to her house. Having someone acting unfamiliar with her around there was like an insult. Mina just had to have that short of a temper.

A hand that was gripping her arm so tight was then being shoved for a handshake.

“My name is Lim Nayeon.”

Mina scoffed at the absurd girl and turned away to just leave.

“Wait!”

But again, the girl wasn’t finished.

Mina was pulled back once more as the girl insisted of knowing her name.

“You’re... Myoui Mina...” She read Mina’s nametag and Mina rolled her eyes, “wait, are you Japanese?”

Mina sighed at that question everyone threw at her after knowing her name. She didn’t answer. She just shrugged and walked away for real that time.

“Are you Japanese?”

_Wait._

Mina stopped when she heard that. Did she hear it right? Did the girl speak in Japanese?

“You are, aren’t you, Mina?”

She really did.

Mina turned around with widened eyes. Someone actually spoke Japanese to her. Mina felt her chest tighten in longing as she was instantly reminded of the last time she spoke Japanese. She grasped the strap of her sling bag tightly as she nodded with a small _yes_ in Japanese.

And then Mina ran away.

_I guess I’ll see_ _you around, Myoui Mina!_

-

Mina always considered someone who spoke Japanese to her as someone special. Maybe because the only one who did so was her late mother. Mina had never spoken in Japanese to anyone else. And she never thought she would. Not until Nayeon, the random bloodied-hands girl, suddenly spoke three sentences in Japanese to her and it bothered her to no end.

It was Nayeon’s fault that Mina ended up hugging herself in the night, crying silently at the memories of her late mother and the reality she had to face for maybe, the rest of her life.

Nayeon. Nayeon. When did Mina start calling her by her name?

It was pretty, though.

-

Mina knew Nayeon was persistent, despite not knowing why. She somehow didn’t feel so surprised seeing Nayeon was waiting for her in the same alley the next day. Mina first noticed her hands and how they weren’t bandaged despite looking like they had been assaulted. The sight disturbed her so much.

But Nayeon’s smile didn’t change. She showed her teeth that time and Mina noticed how... unique the front teeth were. Like a bunny.

Cute.

Mina wanted to smile too.

-

It was always like that.

_Hi, Mina! Did you have a good day?_

Nayeon would wait for her in the same alley and ask the same thing over and over again. Mina would just answer her with a shrug or nod when she was in the mood. Most times Mina would leave straight away and Nayeon wouldn’t hold her back because apparently, she was there for her handicraft art courses and had to sneak around to greet Mina.

Sometimes things were different. Like when Nayeon tugged Mina’s arm so she would stay and talk longer with her. Mina wanted to refuse not because she didn’t want to be with Nayeon, but because she was confused enough thanks to their five-to-ten-minutes encounters and a longer conversation might mess her head even more, but when Nayeon tried her best to give reasons to Mina in her stuttering Japanese, Mina couldn’t say no.

“I’m still learning, okay?”

Mina spent the rest of their talk correcting or finsihing Nayeon’s sentences because she wasn’t completely fluent. Her struggle to form word by word was obvious too and Mina was trying just as hard to understand her. The moment Mina opened her mouth to speak a word or two, Nayeon would stare at her in awe and Mina wondered what was so special.

“You really sound like a native Japanese.”

Nayeon really couldn’t spare some time from being silly. Mina knew it was a compliment and she actually obeyed what her heart wanted her to do at the moment.

She finally smiled back at Nayeon.

-

“You have huge hands.”

The look Nayeon gave her after Mina said one of her rarest, longest sentences made Mina feel bad that she really didn’t talk much. Mina liked that look on Nayeon’s face every time she talked. It was weird because all Mina did was just _talk_ and nothing heavy. Mina wanted to see more of that look. She liked it.

“Do I?”

Because Mina could never forget their first meeting, it was always the hands that she paid attention the most, after Nayeon’s pretty face. She knew Nayeon’s hands were bigger than hers but she didn’t know how huge they actually were until she saw how those fingers held the tiny wooden skewer when they bought some street food together.

Nayeon then held Mina’s hand and compared it with hers. Mina’s was much smaller and it made Nayeon laugh. Mina liked that too. Mina liked the sound of Nayeon’s laugh. Mina liked seeing how happy Nayeon looked.

So Mina laced their fingers together, and she didn’t want to let go.

-

It all came rushing to her. The realization.

Mina found herself staring blankly to the ceiling while lying on her back at nights, thinking about Nayeon. She found herself writing down Nayeon’s name with a pencil on her notes, only to erase it, and write it again, rinse and repeat. She found herself sulking, even though only on her inside, when Nayeon was busy and only greeted her without talking to her or taking her to somewhere else. She found herself to be all about Nayeon.

Nayeon. Mina smiled. Such a pretty name.

Mornings had never been so exciting for her knowing she would meet Nayeon again. School had never been so boring and torturing for her who kept counting the time to meet Nayeon. Mina figured that she became less grumpy at school when she felt too lazy to throw a curse back to that one _slut_ that insulted her. Mina was reminded of Nayeon and her unending compliments that made her heart feel at peace.

Mina wanted to get rid of those feelings too, but she didn’t want to stop thinking about Nayeon.

She didn’t have to.

She liked thinking about Nayeon. She liked having Nayeon’s pretty smile in her mind. She liked remembering their previous meetings and recalling what they had done together. She liked being with Nayeon and if Nayeon weren’t around, she didn’t want Nayeon to leave her head. She would keep it that way because that was just how much she liked Nayeon.

Mina didn’t want to think too much, but she couldn’t help but being reminded of one thing.

She remembered how her late mother used to take her to the beach when she was younger. Beaches were pretty, especially at nights. Mina would take off her shoes and ran to the water, laughing to the quiet air when she felt her feet getting wet. The further she went, the louder her mother would shout at her to go back. Mina most times wouldn’t listen, as she let herself being splashed by the waves, because she liked how it felt.

And with Nayeon, it felt the same.

Mina felt like her meaningless life had turned a little bit better by the span of a very short time after getting to know Nayeon. It was like a wave. Nayeon suddenly came to her life out of nowhere, and Mina would be lying if she said she was ready for it. Mina never expected anything good anymore in her life after her mother died, and yet Nayeon happened, and everything felt like a wave coming at her all at once.

Mina liked it.

She didn’t want it to die down soon.

-

Mina indeed had her moments sometimes, when everyone in school suddenly stared straight at her, making her the center of attention. It was either when she fought or when she had arguments with those impatient teachers that couldn’t take her harsh words and ended up talking back to her with almost the same bad mannerisms. Mina wouldn’t say she liked it, more like it made her uncomfortable that people could be so curious, and she would say she hated it, when it involved Nayeon.

“Hi, how was school?”

Nayeon came to her school after it ended. For the first time, Nayeon was dressed in her school uniform and it reminded Mina of how dirty hers was. She also saw a glimpse of a luxurious car peeking by the gates which she had never seen before. Mina knew Nayeon was better financially than her, with the way she insisted of paying the food they bought, but she didn’t know it was to that extent of having an awesome car and going to an expensive school.

Mina suddenly had mixed feelings about everything.

“How did you know my school?”

Because Mina never told her, and Nayeon never asked.

“Your uniform, of course.” Nayeon said with a giggle, “I’ve seen a lot of students with the same uniform as yours.”

Right. Mina was that dumb.

“What’s with that face? You don’t like me going here?”

Mina was going to say _no, it’s not that_ but those perverted boys some meters behind them were faster in whistling and throwing unnecessary flirty words at the _pretty girl_ in front of Mina. Nayeon looked flustered and Mina wanted nothing but to punch those jerks in their faces.

_Scumbags._

Mina sighed and held Nayeon’s hand, pulling her to walk away from the school.

“No, no, wait! We’ll take my car!”

Nayeon brought a chauffeur with her. He looked polite when he asked where to go, but Mina didn’t miss that stingy stare he gave her. Well, if Mina were him she’d do the same too. She wasn’t unfamiliar with those unfriendly treatments. Mina weren’t born to be respected. She wasn’t even sure what the word meant.

“I guess my school has different schedule than yours. I had a break after the mid exams so I spent most times in the handicraft courses. But now school has started again and I’m not sure if I can attend every class of the courses.”

Mina didn’t look at Nayeon as they headed to wherever Nayeon told her chauffeur to. Mina was annoyed, or more like embarrassed at herself. She was beside Nayeon, sitting so close next to each other on the backseat of that luxurious car, whatever it was, because Mina really had no interest in memorizing cars she could never afford, but for the first time, Mina didn’t like it.

Mina didn’t like being with Nayeon. She wanted to just go home and hide under her thin blanket, pretending the status gap between her and Nayeon wasn’t _that_ obvious. She wanted to reverse the time and back to being clueless at how _far_ she was from Nayeon.

She had never felt so little before.

Things just got worse when Nayeon brought her to a café. An expensive one, of course. Mina could only stare blankly at the prices on the menu. Nayeon kept blabbering of how she liked the café; it had the best cakes, something about red velvet, which Mina didn’t listen. Mina had a short temper, and it made her realize she hadn’t been angry for quite long. It was a bit surprising that Nayeon could also make her angry that easily.

“And then this one--”

“I want to go home.”

Nayeon looked very disappointed when Mina said that. But Mina didn’t care. She, too, was uncomfortable. Mina didn’t want to be there any longer.

“Is this because of me?”

Mina just grasped the strap of her sling bag and walked further away from Nayeon, which was no use because Nayeon wasn’t Nayeon if she weren’t persistent. Mina got out of the café immediately before Nayeon could say a word because she was aware of the deadly quietness and how humiliating it would be for the both of them if they argued there. And it would be strange too, because they spoke in Japanese.

“Mina! Talk to me!”

Nayeon yanked her back with so much force it kind of took Mina off guard at the strength the older girl had. Mina hissed at the pain from Nayeon’s grip because it was so firm until her sling bag fell onto the ground. Nayeon had that deep frown on her face and Mina was sure she had the same on hers.

“Why are you angry?”

Mina looked down and she noticed their shoes. She had to hold back a scoff at how… disgusting hers looked like.

“Did I do something wrong?”

It wasn’t Mina’s fault that Nayeon was usually casual when she went to that handicraft courses thingy that Mina thought Nayeon wasn’t _this_ rich. What worse was probably everyone in her school knew about her friendship with Nayeon because gossip was louder than knowledge there. Mina had had enough of those xenophobic insults because of her name and her awkward Korean and now those envious scumbags would shower her with more insults because they envied her for being friends with someone like Nayeon.

“Mina,” Nayeon’s voice turned softer but Mina wasn’t convinced yet, “I know what you’re thinking.”

Mina sighed and softly, because she was tired, pushed Nayeon’s hand away from her arm.

“This is who I am, okay?” Nayeon held Mina’s hand still, refusing to let go, “I know you’re angry at me because I didn’t say anything and just suddenly appeared out of nowhere like this but it’s because I thought this isn’t important.”

“Why is it not important?”

“Because--”

“You shouldn’t be friends with someone like me.”

Nayeon’s hold became firmer, “That’s exactly the reason why I never said anything.”

Mina wanted to argue but she was too tired. She really had no idea of what was happening. She didn’t want to think being friends with Nayeon as a burden but she couldn’t help it. Nayeon wasn’t someone she could be hanging out with. Nayeon didn’t even belong in her horrible neighborhood either. They were just so far away from each other.

But if that meant she had to stop seeing Nayeon, Mina found herself disagreeing with the option.

“Don’t be upset at me,” Nayeon tried again, scooting closer to Mina, “please. I don’t want you to be upset.”

They weren’t hugging but it was the closest they had ever been to each other. Nayeon had her head down and her long black hair touched Mina’s nose and she could smell the shampoo Nayeon used. Mina could also recognize her scent, along with her perfume. Mina would be lying if she said she didn’t like it. She also didn’t fight herself when she pulled Nayeon closer to her, instead of pushing her away like she wanted to.

“No… I’m not upset.”

Nayeon let out a relieved sigh as she buried her face on Mina’s shoulder, both hands clutching Mina’s uniform shirt so tight until Mina felt like maybe Nayeon also didn’t want her to leave. Maybe Nayeon also wanted to be with her. Maybe Nayeon needed her too, even though Mina wasn’t sure to what extent Nayeon did.

They stayed like that for a while. Mina didn’t count. She didn’t mind.

-

Mina wanted to ask. But she was afraid of the answer.

It had become a daily routine. Nayeon would come to Mina’s school every day and take her to wherever Nayeon wanted to. It was true that the insults Mina got was increasing rapidly each day with Nayeon’s regular visit, but Mina couldn’t care less because at the end of the day, it was her who had Nayeon by her side, not those useless, lousy-mouthed morons.

Nayeon knew about it too. Those insults were sometimes loud. Mina was of course ashamed at first, but she liked how Nayeon held her hand, clung onto her arm, or wrapped her arm around her neck even tighter in front of her schoolmates. It made her feel secure. It made her feel calm despite her super short temper.

Still, Mina couldn’t help but wonder, why did Nayeon care so much for her?

Sometimes Mina would look at Nayeon and ignore everything the girl was blabbering about because Mina wanted to see if she could figure what exactly was inside Nayeon’s mind. She wanted to know why Nayeon did all of those things with her. Mina wasn’t the most entertaining person on earth. She wanted to know why Nayeon could stand being with her for so long without complaining. Without hesitating. Without backing away.

They never talked about their friendship. Mina never asked and Nayeon never brought it up either. They just spent a lot of time together. Mina figured that Nayeon couldn’t manage her anger better than her. Nayeon got upset easily. One time she caught her chauffeur staring unpleasantly at Mina and she snapped at him. She would also frown scarily whenever Mina said no to her. It sometimes left Mina speechless because she wasn’t used to angry Nayeon. It made her realize that Nayeon had exactly the stereotyped attitude of those rich kids did. Spoiled. Arrogant. Stubborn.

Still, it never made Mina like Nayeon less.

As long as Mina could see Nayeon’s pretty smile, everything else didn’t matter. If Nayeon didn’t want her to say no, then Mina would never say so. Mina would do anything Nayeon wanted, if that meant making Nayeon smile happily.

It was good for her heart too.

-

If there were one thing she hated the most in the world, it would be her stepfather.

Mina never took anything he said seriously, because he was just a piece of trash and would never get his shit together in his whole life. He was never good to her, especially after her mother died. They had a blaming game that never came to an end. He treated her even worse after it. He threw insults at her as if she didn’t have a heart, as if he had the rights to do so even though the only one who had raised Mina was her mother, not him. Then again, Mina also didn’t want to be the punching bag. She talked to him the same way, insulted him with the same words, thought lowly of him like he did of her.

It always went both ways.

So Mina didn’t understand why she suddenly felt sad and couldn’t hide it.

Maybe because Nayeon was there when her stepfather appeared from inside the house and lousily shouted at her using inappropriate words that were much, much worse than the ones Mina got in school. Maybe because Nayeon then looked at her with such huge eyes of shock until she got lost at words to throw back at her stepfather. Or maybe because she was angry, ashamed, because that wasn’t something Nayeon should know.

Either way, she felt her chest heavy and her eyes stinging. She wanted to cry. It was ridiculous. Not in front of Nayeon, for God’s sake.

She kept her head down as she sat down on the ground, away from her house. She really looked pitiful and if Nayeon wanted to run away, Mina wouldn’t blame her. She hated this. She hated how everything about her was shameful. She tried to hold back her tears, at least until Nayeon really ran away, because she still wanted to have some pride even though she knew it was already scattered in pieces.

Mina heard Nayeon’s hesitant footsteps approaching her. Nayeon didn’t say anything when she crouched down in front of Mina and cupped the latter’s face in her hands, telling Mina to look at her, which the latter refused because of course she didn’t want to.

“Hey,” Nayeon cooed, but Mina shook her head.

Nayeon then scooted even closer, with her fingers laced to one another on the back of Mina’s neck. Mina wanted to push her away but she knew Nayeon wouldn’t let her.

“I don’t know if this will make you feel better but,” Nayeon whispered, “my dad is like that too.”

Mina stilled.

“My dad treats me the same way too.” Nayeon continued, “He calls me names too. He shouts at me too. He doesn’t appreciate me too.”

Mina looked up at her then.

“It sucks, I know. So it’s okay to cry. You can cry. It’s okay. I’ll be here.”

Mina never cried in front of anyone else, including her mother. She wasn’t a crybaby to begin with. When her mother died, Mina was more angry than sad. She felt weak when she cried, and she didn’t like it. She didn’t want to feel weak. Because Mina was nothing more than a weak girl full of denial in her life.

Nayeon pulled her into a hug that time as she cried her heart out. Everything suddenly hurt. All those words her stepfather shouted at her felt like knives to her chest. She felt so vulnerable and she didn’t know what exactly the cause of that; her stepfather or Nayeon.

It was vague, because she was crying, but Mina felt how Nayeon kissed her forehead tenderly. It made her want to be selfish as she clutched Nayeon tighter for dear life and made her stay the whole time.

_Don’t leave me._

-

Another day, another new thing about Nayeon.

Nayeon’s father was a professor in the medical department of one of the most famous universities in Seoul, that Mina could never, ever dreamed of going. Being an only child, her father put all his hope and expectation on Nayeon, who unfortunately, didn’t share the same passion. Mina knew what Nayeon liked. _Art_. Nayeon liked art, maybe even more than she liked Mina. And Mina guessed that Nayeon’s father didn’t approve of it, hence why Nayeon claimed that _her father was like that too_.

But Mina felt like she wasn’t entirely right.

“My dad is a scumbag rubbish who always puts on a show in front of people but me.”

Nayeon told her how her father forced her to learn medical studies until she _loathed_ them. Her father was _obsessed_ , Nayeon said, for her to be a professor like him. Mina, who at first thought that maybe Nayeon only wanted her to feel better, started to believe that Nayeon’s father was truly, as bad as her stepfather. Nayeon wasn’t pretending or making up sad stories. She really, _really_ hated her father.

“He made me memorize those parts of human body, what they’re for, what happens when they’re not functioning well, and those useless shit I’ve never wanted to know,”

Definitely. Mina finally believed Nayeon. She definitely hated her father.

And _wow_ , Mina was awed because Nayeon’s Japanese was improving fast seeing how she used those _strong_ insult words. Nayeon was smart. Mina had never doubted it.

“And I’ve made up my mind. I will _not_ enroll to medical department. Never. Certainly never.”

“Does your father agree?”

“Well,” Nayeon crossed her arms with a sigh, “no, but he can’t control me forever. If in the end he still insists on me enrolling to medical department, I’ll screw up and embarrass him in front of the whole university.”

Mina was amused, “So you threatened him.”

Nayeon shrugged, “There’s no other way.”

Mina admitted of feeling better after that. Not every day she heard someone’s story of hating their parents. Not every day she met someone who shared the same hatred toward their parents. Not every day she felt like she wasn’t alone in the world.

“But I feel like you actually understand the subject really well,” Mina said again, turning her head to Nayeon beside her who was busy munching the grilled sausage they bought earlier, “you’re actually capable of enrolling.”

“Mina, every day, literally every single day he makes me study medical thingy. Of course I’m capable. I memorized the human body. I can draw human anatomy from head to toe without cheating, just so you know.”

“Really?”

Nayeon then turned her body slightly to Mina, “Want me to show you?”

Mina hadn’t answered when suddenly Nayeon brought a hand to her abdomen.

“Here’s your small intestine.”

She then moved a little to the right side of Mina’s abdomen.

“And here’s your large intestine.”

She moved up slowly.

“Behind your intestine, there’s a kidney. The other one is right here,”

She moved to the other side.

“Behind the stomach. You still have both kidneys, right?”

Mina just smiled.

“And then,”

Nayeon’s hand started moving again.

“Behind the stomach, there’s spleen… a little in the middle there’s pancreas… and here’s your liver.”

“What is it for?” Mina randomly asked.

“What?”

“Liver. What is it for?”

Nayeon frowned a little but she still answered, “Detoxification, protein synthesis, and production of chemicals needed for digestion processes. Don’t worry. It’s not a waste. It’s useful.”

Mina smiled even wider.

Nayeon’s hand then moved to her neck.

“Your jugular vein,” Her fingers rubbed the visible vein on Mina’s neck slowly, “this is your jugular vein.”

It moved down near Mina’s collarbone.

“Artery,” Nayeon mumbled, “there are dorsal scapular artery, suprascapular artery, and subclavian artery--”

“That tickles,”

Mina caught Nayeon’s hand before it could move around again. Nayeon just giggled as she held Mina’s hand tight, both of them were holding hands.

“You memorized it all.”

“I did.”

“You’re incredible.”

“Still won’t make me enroll to medical department.”

Hand still holding hers, Nayeon turned back facing front as she continued munching her sausage, her mood had obviously gone up. Mina meant it that Nayeon was incredible. She once again proved how smart she was. Though Mina wouldn’t question why, with that brain of hers, Nayeon wanted to do _art_ out of all things. She just could never guess Nayeon’s heart.

Mina was smiling from ear to ear until she felt shy and looked down to their joined hands. She then noticed those fresh scars Nayeon got from her art courses. Her smile faded instantly. Nayeon still wouldn’t listen to her about being careful. Mina really didn’t like those scars in her beautiful hands. Mina wanted Nayeon to stop hurting herself.

She thought of something she could give Nayeon.

-

“What is that?”

Mina tucked her head in shame as she kept both hands behind her back, hiding the thing she had bought for Nayeon. She suddenly wondered where her confidence went. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea in the first place. Nayeon wasn’t someone she could buy things for. Her one branded bag itself probably costed more than Mina’s whole being.

“Mina,” Nayeon asked again, curious, “what is that?”

It was pointless anyway. Mina had already held it in her hands and there was no way she could hide it from Nayeon forever.

So she hesitantly showed it to the girl in front of her, with her head down and her face reddening.

“I bought this for you.”

The stationery store near her house had a lot of things beyond pens and books. Mina was one of their loyal buyers because the store most likely had everything she needed as a student, and also because everything was cheap.

Exactly. Mina bought Nayeon something _cheap_.

“For me?”

But Nayeon’s tone was far from unpleasant so Mina bravely lifted her head, and she admitted of being taken aback at how Nayeon looked at the poorly wrapped gift.

“Yeah,” Mina puffed a breath, “actually no, you don’t have to take it. I’m sure you already have tons of this at home. I mean not this _this_ , but this kind just the better and more expensive ones so you don’t need to--”

Nayeon grasped the gift from Mina’s hand with a chuckle, “Silly. I haven’t even opened it.”

The look Nayeon had after she had opened the gift was so lovely it made Mina’s heart swell a little. Mina still had the doubts, but Nayeon’s smile after calmed her paranoid mind and maybe, Nayeon genuinely liked what Mina gave her.

“Gloves?” Nayeon held the pair of gray gloves in her hands, “For winter?”

“Well, that too, but,” Mina scratched her nape nervously, “you know you always get hurt whenever you do those… handicraft thingy and I heard you actually need gloves for that activity and you never wear ones so I… I think you’d like…”

The smile got wider, “You don’t like seeing the cuts, do you?”

“I don’t like seeing you get hurt.”

There was a four seconds of silence, Mina counted, before Nayeon suddenly surged forward and gave her cheek a kiss. Mina must’ve looked so dumb because Nayeon laughed at her afterward, but she didn’t regret it because it earned her another kiss on the cheek, with a hand lingered on the other side, holding her tenderly.

Nayeon whispered a _thank you_ to Mina’s ear and it sent shivers down her spine.

The thoughts of fighting whatever feelings blooming in her chest had already long gone and forgotten for Mina.

-

And so it happened.

Mina couldn’t think, couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything other than being still, trying to comprehend what actually was happening.

It had never once crossed her mind, ever. She surely had seen others done it, some even in public. In her school there were countless, in almost every corner that did in making the urge to vomit appeared every time Mina witnessed it. She couldn’t imagine what was so good in eating each other’s faces. Moreover in places where everyone could see.

And eventually, Mina felt it. Nayeon looked a little bit off before she suddenly dragged Mina to an empty alley and pushed her rather roughly against a house’s wall. Mina was about to ask her _what_ before Nayeon closed the distance between them, landing her warm lips on Mina’s cold ones. It happened, and Mina needed some time to comprehend that they were doing the thing Mina thought was _disgusting_.

But it felt good. No, it felt very pleasant when Nayeon started moving her lips, albeit hesitantly, and Mina did the same. It was indeed her first time, but even Mina herself didn’t have any idea of how she could reciprocate just fine. Maybe because she had seen it so many times and at least knew how it was done. Or maybe she just mirrored what Nayeon was doing, but either way it felt so damn good, and she was thinking too much.

Because when Nayeon pulled back abruptly, Mina was very much breathless, and she didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath for too long. Nayeon’s cheeks were flushed red and Mina was sure it wasn’t solely because of the cold weather. She, too, felt her face heating up.

“Mina,” Nayeon whispered, just as breathless, “what are we doing?”

The younger just raised her eyebrows at the question. Funny coming from the one who started it.

She understood, though. Nayeon was confused. Mina wasn’t any better but she decided not to think about it too much. They just kissed, Mina liked it, and she wanted to do it again, and again.

Smiling, Mina leaned in and kissed Nayeon again, slower that time. She could taste a little bit of the cappuccino the latter had earlier. With how clumsy they were, Mina thought maybe Nayeon was as just inexperienced as her. Maybe she had never kissed someone else before. Maybe Mina was also her first, just like what she was to Mina.

They didn’t know how long they stood there holding onto each other, lips didn’t stop moving, until they heard someone shouted _hey!_ from afar and both of them hurriedly ran away, hand in hand, with enormous laughs.

It was Mina’s first kiss and Mina liked it.

It was Mina’s first kiss with none other than Nayeon.

-

Again, they never talked about it.

They just kissed. Many times. All the time.

Just like when Nayeon dropped Mina off in her house and her stepfather wasn’t around. Nayeon put her hand on Mina’s cheek and gave her a short kiss, which didn’t satisfy Mina as she pulled Nayeon back to her to kiss her some more.

Or when they ate spaghetti together and Mina wiped the remaining ketchup off of Nayeon’s lips with a kiss, hiding behind the wall in the corner of that packed restaurant. Both of them weren’t sure if they were completely hidden but none could care less.

Or when they eventually couldn’t find a secret place to kiss, Nayeon would tell her chauffeur to leave them alone in the car so they could kiss in the backseat.

They kissed a lot. Much more than Mina thought they should.

She now understood why people liked kissing so much. Why her schoolmates didn’t care of her stingy stares every time she bumped into them grossly making out in school. She even became envious of them, somehow. They could sneak out easily in school to have their moments meanwhile Mina had to be separated from Nayeon in a lot of times.

Maybe that was why as soon as they met each other, all they did was mostly kissing. Maybe Nayeon was also thinking about it all day like what Mina was doing in all of her classes. Nayeon couldn’t be doing it without liking it too, right?

They couldn’t be blamed, though. Mina shrugged as once again, her mind wandered off to how soft Nayeon’s lips were, in that boring history class. They were just teenagers, after all. That was what they were supposed to be feeling, wasn’t it?

-

“Yes, Miss Lim.”

Like usual, the chauffeur gave Nayeon a slight bow before exited the car and walked away from them. Nayeon then sighed and threw herself to Mina, kissing her like there was no tomorrow.

Mina held her gently. Nayeon was still upset. It all started when she couldn’t spend the New Year with Mina because of some family things her father had arranged. And it lasted for the whole January until they could barely see each other. The chauffeur, whom Nayeon depended on, seemed to have taken her father’s side by repeatedly telling her the time she had to go home every time she hung out with Mina.

When Nayeon was upset, there was nothing much that Mina could do. She just said yes to everything Nayeon wanted from her. If Nayeon wanted to eat in a fancy restaurant with her, then they’d go to the said place. If Nayeon wanted Mina to keep her expensive jacket, then Mina would do so. And if Nayeon wanted to put herself on Mina’s lap in the backseat of the car while kissing her, then Mina would let her.

Even though she couldn’t deny that she was mad flustered.

Nayeon didn’t seem to sense that when she pulled back only to tilt her head to the other side and resumed kissing the younger beneath her. Her short uniform skirt wasn’t long enough to cover her thighs and Mina’s hands awkwardly tried to avoid them. Her hesitation increased by the seconds as Mina realized how quiet everything around them was, so the small hums Nayeon made were clear in her ears--

Then suddenly Nayeon’s fingers undid one of Mina’s uniform shirt buttons, and the latter pulled back out of reflex.

It startled Nayeon too.

Both of them stared at each other, breathless and flustered. Nayeon’s face was burning red and Mina was sure hers was nothing different.

“Mina,” Nayeon then started, barely louder than a whisper, “you like me, right?”

Mina froze at the question. _You like me, right?_

Of course. She did. She liked Nayeon. She truly did.

“I do.” Mina said, stared up at the older, gaze hazy, “I like you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” Her answer was rushed, because she didn’t want Nayeon to think she didn’t like her, because obviously, Nayeon was even her favorite person, “I do. I really do. I like you, Nayeon.”

“Then don’t--” Nayeon stopped, fingers fiddled with Mina’s shirt button that did in make the hearts beat even faster, “I like you too, Mina. Let’s just not… hesitate.”

“You-- you like me too,”

The words were so pleasant.

Mina wanted to hear them more.

“Do you really like me too?”

A low chuckle was heard as Nayeon pulled Mina closer and landed a kiss on her forehead, whispering slowly, “You’re so silly, it’s cute. I like you a lot, ever since I met you. I won’t be here with you if I don’t. There’s no one else I like more than you.”

Nayeon probably wanted to say more, but Mina didn’t let her as she kissed her mindlessly after. No one had ever confessed to her before. Mina had never heard of those words before. She didn’t know how great they could make her feel. So that was how it felt when someone she loved felt the same. That was how it felt being loved.

Loved. Mina wasn’t just in love. She was loved, too.

She no longer thought twice when their kiss became more heated than usual. She didn’t hide how she wanted it too by letting Nayeon guide her hands to strip her lover bare, just like what Nayeon did to her. She was nervous, but when Nayeon pulled back and stared at her with those uncertain eyes, Mina’s heart melted.

Nayeon had always been beautiful, but that time was different. She was so mesmerizing that Mina wouldn’t let herself to look away from the beauty. Even when Nayeon was beneath her and it was getting tiring to support herself by one arm, Mina stayed still. And when Nayeon grasped her a little too roughly unconsciously, Mina did nothing and just let her.

Just after she brought Nayeon to her high, her arm gave up and she fell, albeit softly, on top of the older, breaths panting and chest heaving. She buried her face on the crook of Nayeon’s neck, closing her eyes, basking in the moment.

A tear rolled down her cheek then. She knew she was happy. Mina was happy.

Nayeon weakly wrapped her arms around her when she muttered a small _thank you_. As she listened to Nayeon’s heartbeat, she imagined a beautiful beach with steady waves and pure, white sand. She was deep in the wave by then, swimming far, far away from the land.

It was Mina’s first time and she liked it.

It was Mina’s first time with none other than Nayeon.

****


	2. crash

The rain came faster than expected. Mina couldn’t go home.

She could, but she wasn’t going to sacrifice the last set of uniform that week to soak wet. She’d thought of skipping the school the day after, but if that meant she’d miss the art class, she wouldn’t do so.

She peeked, kind of obvious actually, at her pretty teacher some steps on her right. Park Jihyo was her name, and Mina had never liked a teacher until she met her. Unlike most teachers, she wasn’t just good looking, but also very kind and patient, she made Mina willingly stay in her seat during the class, although not entirely because of the teacher herself. It was also because she taught _art_ , something Mina had started to grow fond of, because of a certain someone.

Nayeon wasn’t around that time. Lately, she hadn’t been around much. Almost a month prior she graduated high school. There was a series of fights with her family because of Nayeon’s choice in her college major. Mina didn’t want to interfere so she never asked if Nayeon didn’t tell. Eventually, Nayeon’s parents said yes, but things got complicated because they left everything for Nayeon to handle herself, as a consequence of her request.

That was what Nayeon said the last time Mina saw her. She was busy. She had become way busier in the past days. She no longer came often to Mina’s school. And Mina was still trying to understand, and maybe accept that.

Instead of stopping, the rain got even heavier as the sky resembled the dawn time. Mina sighed and kicked some small can roughly, forgetting that her teacher was still there.

“Myoui Mina?”

So she was startled when her name was called.

But her teacher smiled, instead of glared like most would do, “Waiting for someone?”

Mina looked down, refused the eye contact, and shook her head. She didn’t want to use her rude Korean to someone as kind as Park Jihyo.

“Waiting for the rain to stop, then?” The teacher smiled became slightly wider after Mina hesitantly looked at her and nodded, “Me too. I didn’t bring my umbrella with me today.”

It was still unbelievable, or maybe Mina just wasn’t used to it, that people like Park Jihyo somehow existed. Mina knew the students in her school, including her, weren’t easy to handle. Most of the teachers had given up and only did their job out of obligatory, probably because they needed the money. The school had horrible reputation and Mina wondered why Park Jihyo chose to teach there.

She then remembered how she felt strangely familiar with the university’s name Park Jihyo once mentioned she was attending. It did sound like the one Nayeon had mentioned before. She wanted to ask Nayeon if they were the same, but she knew she’d forget the moment she reached her house later that day.

-

“Has anyone ever written a poem before?”

Mina stopped looking down to glance at the teacher in front of the class, and unlucky her that Park Jihyo caught her eyes.

She quickly looked back down again.

“Does anyone know what a poem is exactly?”

The seat beside the window was unoccupied during the art class, so Mina took the chance and moved there. The rain was also heavy that day, it distracted Mina a little bit. She liked the rain. She hated it when she was soaked wet and all, but she found comfort when the rain came, somehow. Minutes she spent staring at the rain through the mirror, before some girl in front of her suddenly had a question to ask.

“What’s a poem for, Teacher?”

Mina, and the whole class, had their eyes to Park Jihyo. And as usual, she gave them a bright smile.

“Just like any other art forms, I’d say,” The teacher took a seat on one of the front row’s desks, “it’s a way for you to express your feelings.”

Mina listened.

“Say, you have someone you like. Someone you love. You want them to know that, but you find it difficult to say it directly to them. And one way to express how you feel for them, is through art. Also why I think poems are special, it’s because they’re easier to understand, without losing the essence of an art. Understand what I mean?”

When no one responded, Park Jihyo didn’t lose the smile.

“Now, which one is easier, guessing the meaning of a poem, or a painting?”

Someone from the left answered hesitantly, “A poem…”

“Exactly. That’s what I mean. Poems are easier to understand, but it doesn’t make them less beautiful. Doesn’t make them easier to make either. That’s why it’s special, for me.”

The whole class was silent again. Mina glanced at her ignored notes on the desk.

“For today,” Park Jihyo continued, standing up and walking back to the whiteboard, “let’s write a poem for someone special. They can be your parents, siblings, friends, lovers, anyone. As usual, feel free to express yourself. I won’t dictate you, from what you want to express, to whom, until how long your poem will be. It’s all up to you.”

She turned around to the class and said one last time, “Write a poem for someone who deserves one from you.”

The whole students in class then lazily took their pens and notes, except for one. By the time Park Jihyo caught the girl by the window once more, Mina had already held her pen between her fingers, with her blank notes opened, head down and lips pursed.

-

_I have a lot of things in mind._

Mina saw Park Jihyo’s slight, just _slight_ , frown at the paper in her hand, and she busied herself by looking down to her shoes again, both hands tangled in the back.

_It would sound pathetic, but I feel like I don’t care anymore._

She was indeed silly.

Mina was the busiest during art classes in the past weeks. Maybe because they discussed poems and Mina found herself liking it. She kept writing, anything in her mind, with a particular person in her head. She didn’t notice the number of students present kept decreasing, which meant more attention to the ones who stayed, because she didn’t know writing could be so much enjoyable.

Unlucky her, she also didn’t know Park Jihyo would ask them to submit their poems at the end. Well, she _knew_ , but she didn’t expect it to be so soon. Usually Park Jihyo would ask for their assignments near the exam week, which was still two weeks away from the moment. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t worked on hers, she did. She _really_ did.

What she hadn’t done was, changing the language she used to the one that was required.

_I want you to feel the same._

“It’s--”

“I’ll change it,” Mina quickly said, before her teacher could continue, “to Korean. Um, tomorrow. I’ll give-- submit it to you.”

Her teacher was probably pissed. Mina was almost certain of that. She was the only student staying behind after the class ended, thanks to the poem, and it made her feel bad. Park Jihyo was kind and Mina wouldn’t want to piss someone like her.

Park Jihyo then put the hand grasping the paper down on her lap, and surprisingly didn’t sound angry at all, “Well, honestly, me as a person won’t make you do that.”

It made Mina look up, albeit still hesitant.

“It’s _art_. There are no rules in art. You can write in any language you want, just like how you can draw or paint anything you want. Don’t feel too bad that you wrote in Japanese. I’m not angry at you or anything.”

Mina let the corner of her lips curve up.

_I worry if I’m doing it wrong, if it’s not going to work._

“But,” Park Jihyo put the paper on the desk, “I’m not just me in here, in this school. I’m also your teacher. And me as a teacher, sadly, will ask you to do that. Because I need it as an assignment, and I have to understand it, in order to mark it. Okay?”

Mina nodded, “Fine. I mean, yes, Teacher.”

“Great.” Another bright smile, “Just remember, this is only for education purposes. Outside this class, you’re free to create anything you want. Don’t limit yourself. I know you like writing poems.”

Mina understood that. She wasn’t the type to smile much so when she felt the urge to do so, she hid her face from her teacher instead.

“Here,” The paper was handed back to her, “you can submit it tomorrow. I’ll be waiting.”

“Yes, Teacher.”

_You’re just good to my heart._

After Park Jihyo told her to go home safely, Mina turned around and left her class, carrying her sling bag and the paper in hands. She unfolded it, took a peek of the last sentence, before folding it back and slipped it in her jacket pocket.

She could finally let out the smile she’d been holding.

_So stay there and don’t go anywhere._

-

Nayeon was still unaware.

_A lot of things remind me of you._

Mina actually hoped she would always be.

_Maybe because you never leave my head._

Because of course she wouldn’t tell.

“What is it?”

Hearing Nayeon’s tired voice made Mina smile, as she lazily looked up to the older girl. Resting her chin on Nayeon’s bare chest, Mina shook her head and watched the amusement spark in the former’s eyes, hers mirrored the same. Nayeon looked disheveled, slightly sweaty with her make up fading, but she was always lovely to Mina.

“Nothing. I just like calling your name.”

_I never want you to._

Nayeon then smiled back, pulling Mina closer as they lied there on the former’s bed.

Mina remembered how excited and proud Nayeon looked when she told her about the new apartment she’d just rented. _All by my own money_ , she said and Mina was genuinely happy for her. It was far from how luxurious her house was, according to Nayeon since Mina had never been there before, but she knew Nayeon would rather stay the furthest away from that place. Besides, almost all the tenants in that apartment building were college students, so Nayeon could finally _feel like a real one_ , she playfully stated.

_You remind me of things I never knew I had._

“How’s college?”

The arms around her held her tighter, as Nayeon placed her lips on the top of Mina’s head, mumbling her answer, “Pretty good. So much fun. I like it.”

“That’s good to know. You seem busy, though.”

“Yeah, it’s like this for freshmen. I need to adapt to new things first.” Nayeon sighed, tapping her fingers on Mina’s back, “And I really want to join this art club. There are some difficult requirements to fulfill.”

Mina just hummed at that.

_I want to stay with you._

“Why?” Nayeon asked back, shifted a little to look at the younger, “You miss me?”

Mina made a face. It was obvious, anyway.

“Your fault that I’m used to seeing you every day.”

Nayeon laughed, showing her cute bunny teeth, before cupping Mina’s cheek and kissed her.

_To love and hold you always._

Moments later, Mina found herself staring up in awe at Nayeon on top of her. She closed her eyes when Nayeon closed the gap between their lips again, as usual letting the older do anything she wanted. The sound of the rain pouring outside was a little bit of a distraction, as her mind suddenly wandered off to the papers she put near the broken window of her bedroom.

_So that I can feel alive again._

Then Nayeon, without breaking the kiss, pulled her to sit up and wrapped both arms around her neck, fingers tangled in her messy hair.

And she stopped thinking about anything else other than the girl in her arms.

-

They were gone.

Mina’s eyes widened as her hand found nothing on the window.

_Shit._

She put them there. All of them. Folded messily as one.

It was a random place to keep notes, she knew, but she was just too paranoid someone might look and even _read_ them. Even the person she was writing poems for didn’t know about that.

_But didn’t she really…_

Mina stopped moving for a moment when her fingers touched a paper, in the edge of the window, like someone slipped it in between. She frowned. She had never slipped anything in the broken window. Because it was broken, it couldn’t be locked anymore, so Mina was afraid she’d lose the papers if she put them like that.

She hesitantly pulled it and brought it down. Sitting on her bed, Mina eyed it curiously.

It didn’t look like hers.

The corner was smudged a little because of the rain that kept pouring, and Mina was able to see a glimpse of the handwriting.

It didn’t look like hers either.

Still hesitating to unfold it, Mina tried to remember when the last time she checked on her papers was. She had school that day, just like any other day. Only that time she went home straight after school, unlike the day before when she stayed outside until night time because her stepfather had night shift and she was unwilling to spend the rest of the day with him at home.

She also remembered that day was Wednesday, and the last time she saw Nayeon, the older told her she’d come to her house on Tuesday…

Mina’s eyes widened once more.

She didn’t know what to feel after she unfolded the paper and recognized the handwriting right away. She never even intended to tell Nayeon about her enjoying the art class in school, let alone the poems she wrote for her. Realizing Nayeon most probably had figured it out, Mina found herself hiding under her thin blanket, pretending she had never read the paper Nayeon left for her by the broken window, to replace the ones the older took with her.

_I like everything you write. I like everything about you._

-

That was how it started.

Mina was inside a convenience store, eating her warm ramen. The rain was exceptionally heavy that day. Instead of waiting outside, she decided to come inside and buy two ramen cups. Nayeon was late. It was half past three in the afternoon, meanwhile Nayeon clearly wrote 3PM on the paper she left on the green window.

She preferred to call it that by then. Green window, instead of broken window.

It wasn’t painted green, but it was dirty until the point of turning green. Mina spent months without cleaning it, as she was always lazy. That was where the green came from.

They left notes to each other there. Mina couldn’t believe Nayeon when she said she climbed the trash bin to reach the window, but the notes kept appearing. Not that she thought Nayeon was a liar, she was just curious of _how_ Nayeon had that idea. But as always, she never asked.

She was eating rather slowly, as she kept eyeing the street outside. People seemed to be in a rush, as it was freezing cold and they were in hurry to get warm. Mina’s jacket was a bit wet so she took it off and put it on her lap. She was waiting for a certain car to arrive.

There was indeed a car that came minutes later, but it didn’t belong to Nayeon. Mina puffed a breath as she looked back down to her ramen cup again, chewing lazily. She heard the front door being opened and the cashier greeting whoever came inside, but something else caught her attention immediately.

“No Mom, I still have a lot of work to do.”

Mina jerked her head in an instant. That was how she talked to her mother back then. Even with the exact same dialect.

“What? No, no, that’s not what I meant.”

There was a woman, holding a phone to her ear, walking inside that convenience store. Mina didn’t care if she was blatantly staring. Not every day she could hear someone speak Japanese, other than Nayeon. She was in awe as the woman’s speaking voice filled in the silent atmosphere. The said woman was very pretty too.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired.” The phone was moved to the other ear, “Been eating well these days, don’t worry.”

Mina then noticed that the woman was limping. It looked like she was in pain, like how she kept pursing her lips when she wasn’t talking. Mina’s stare went down to her feet, and she saw the sandals the woman was wearing, also the blood around her left ankle, down to the foot. Mina cringed at the sight. That indeed looked painful.

“Something happened in my neighborhood. I’m still working on it. Almost finished, but not there yet.”

The woman took a warm can of coffee and some band aids, before taking them to the cashier, still talking to her mother on the phone. The cashier’s face looked awkward, she probably also saw the wound on the woman’s foot. After she paid for them, the woman thanked the cashier in Korean and exited the store.

Mina’s eyes kept following her and she didn’t realize another car was coming. Just when she saw Nayeon hurriedly ran from the car to the store that she tore her eyes away from the woman.

“I’m sorry I’m late there was a traffic jam I couldn’t move,” Nayeon said in one breath, “also it’s raining and people are so annoying I’m--”

Mina just smiled, she wasn’t even angry, “It’s fine.”

She then turned her head to peek at the woman again, only to find the car was going away. A soft sigh she let out because she hadn’t memorized the woman’s face clearly.

“What is it?” Nayeon asked, following her gaze.

Mina shook her head and pushed an uncooked ramen cup she’d bought before to Nayeon, “Nothing. Want some?”

-

Life had never been good to Mina.

It gave her Nayeon, indeed, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t feel sad anymore. Nayeon was a human too, just like her. Nayeon was unable to mend _all_ of her scars and heartbreaks, just like how Mina couldn’t do something as simple as erasing the fatigue on the former’s face.

Mina was aware of that, and she kept telling herself not to set her hopes too high, but there wasn’t much she could do when she had no one else to run to.

_I have fears in me, unwilling to go away._

Her stepfather came home a little bit late compared to normal days, and it only meant one thing; he got drunk. He was already an asshole in his sober state, moreover when he was drunk. Mina was already tired in trying to understand him. She shouldn’t have too, anyway. She didn’t want to put that much effort for someone like him.

_Someone keeps telling me I’m useless, and I get reminded each day._

She tried. She really tried not to care much about it and just minded the only good thing in her life, but it was hard. It was really, really hard. She was stuck with her stepfather every goddamn day. She saw him every day. She heard his endless nags and whines every day. She went out of breath screaming back at him every day.

It was tiring. She was tired.

_Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me._

The constant banging of the fist onto her bedroom’s door didn’t startle her anymore. It was as if she had gone deaf, even though she was right beside it, sitting down on the floor, leaning onto the wall. She didn’t feel angry or irritated either. She just sat there, both knees up to her chest, pen and notes in hands, ignoring the mess her stepfather was making. He might break the door too for all she cared.

_I keep asking why but no one has the answer._

She acknowledged it. She was numb.

_Not even you._

The next morning her neighbors would probably come at her, especially that middle-aged lady whose house was right some meters beside hers. They cowered at a mere sight of her stepfather and expressed all of their anger and displeasure at Mina instead, because she was weak, and they would rather blame a small, young girl as if it was all her fault.

It was sad, actually. They were scared of her stepfather yet they hadn’t even spent a day with him. They thought Mina was weak, when _she_ was the one who tolerated her stepfather every single day. Mina could fight back at them easily. She could retort if she wanted to. She didn’t have to stay mute all the time.

But she was just so, so tired of everything.

_Do you think I’m asking for too much?_

She figured out one thing that night. When the rain came pouring down in a sudden without warning, the loud noises from her stepfather started to fade. The heavier the rain got, the less the unpleasant voice could be heard. Mina stared up at her broken window, at its green-ish edges, at how it reminded her of Nayeon.

_I never wanted anything._

Maybe that was why she liked the rain. Maybe that was why she found comfort in its presence.

_I just can’t welcome the sadness anymore after you exist in my life._

-

It was basically the same.

Mina didn’t like seeing Nayeon get hurt. She gave those cheap gray gloves to Nayeon because she didn’t like seeing the scars on Nayeon’s hands. She gave forehead kisses and hugged Nayeon tight until she fell asleep because she didn’t like seeing how exhausted Nayeon looked. She only wanted good things for Nayeon, and it was obviously the same for the other way around.

Nayeon also didn’t like seeing Mina get hurt. Nayeon also wasn’t happy in knowing Mina was sad. She knew all the struggles Mina had to go through every day, and yet it didn’t make her less upset. That, added with how easily angered Nayeon was, could change her into a hot mess that Mina herself was still unable to handle.

Mina knew that. She was well aware of how short Nayeon’s temper was.

She thought she was already used to it, but apparently, she wasn’t.

Nayeon stood before her, eyes burning with anger, and Mina was still, eyes slightly widened at what the former had said some seconds ago. No, Nayeon wasn’t angry at her. She was angry _for_ her. Mina just didn’t think it would go to _that_ extent.

The past weeks had been hard for Mina. Her stepfather was acting up, school was difficult, neighbors being a pain in the ass, and the worst was, Nayeon got even busier. It was by nature that Mina wanted to tell Nayeon everything, to get the building frustration off of her chest, but if it meant making Nayeon angry until the point of _murder_ coming out of her mouth, Mina regretted her decision instantly.

“You’ll be better without him, anyway.”

Mina opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to do.

_She’s just angry. She didn’t mean it. It’s impossible._

“I-it’s fine,” Mina forced a stiff smile, scooting closer to the angry Nayeon, “everything’s fine. I just had some bad days, that’s all.”

“You literally just said--”

“It’s fine, Nayeon. It’s fine.”

When Nayeon was about to argue once more, Mina quickly wrapped her in a tight hug, one hand rubbing her back. It was the first time Mina actually did something, rather than stayed silent, when Nayeon was angry. She knew Nayeon could be uncontrollable in that state. And she didn’t want to hear such careless words anymore.

“It’s fine.” Mina kept whispering, kept trying to tell, “It’s nothing to worry about.”

She just didn’t realize it was more to herself than to Nayeon.

-

It was already a daily habit.

Mina tiptoed to trace the green window with her small fingers, and pulled the folded paper she found there. Dropping her sling bag onto the floor, she took a seat on her desk, lazily unfolding the paper. She hadn’t seen Nayeon for days. She was honestly feeling really weird.

She missed Nayeon, that was for sure. She thought about Nayeon a lot, but it was more of a concern than anything. She wasn’t sure if it was just her or Nayeon indeed was being weird as well. Things just didn’t seem right.

Nayeon was deeply pressured. That was what she told Mina the last time they met. Something about the art club, Mina didn’t quite understand. Also about her parents, mostly father. She was heavily distracted as well. When Mina talked to her, it didn’t seem like Nayeon was listening. She was there, in front of Mina, staring at Mina, but it somehow felt like her mind had wandered off to somewhere else. Somewhere far.

She was very fidgety too. Mina at first didn’t know why, but she then found out about the new fresh cuts when Nayeon took her gloves off. If she were being honest with herself, Mina was kind of pissed at that. She bought those gloves for Nayeon to protect her hands, not for her to _hide_ them from Mina when she got hurt. But she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even tell Nayeon that she knew. She didn’t want to make the situation worse.

At least she knew why it happened. Nayeon gave her two small handicraft goods she made herself, one was a penguin and the other was a swan. Mina once told her about the two animals her late mother said resembled her. She no longer had the heart to get angry at Nayeon. Not when Nayeon remembered every little thing Mina told her and made an effort for her.

Sighing, Mina ran one hand through her hair as she read Nayeon’s handwriting.

_I have both good and bad news. Good news; I got accepted. Bad news; I need to prepare the required thing in less than a week. Which is crazy. I’m saying bye to sleep. I hope everything’s okay for you. Missing you a lot, as usual._

_PS: You look really good with your hair down._

Mina let out a small smile.

She then folded it neatly again and grabbed her sling bag to put it inside. She didn’t put Nayeon’s small letters carelessly, she kept them all inside her bag so no one could--

_Wait._

Mina stopped moving as she realized something.

Dropping her bag once more, Mina went back to the paper. Unfolding it in a hurry, she read the last sentence.

_You look really good with your hair down._

Mina touched her hair. She indeed let it down for that day.

It was one of those very, very rare days when Mina decided not to tie her hair. She almost always did so. She preferred that way. There was only one reason she let her hair down; she lost her rubber band. Which was exactly why she had a grumpy morning earlier and dropped by the stationery store after school.

Nayeon knew about that. She once asked and Mina told her the reason.

The thing was, how did Nayeon know she let her hair down that day?

She didn’t meet Nayeon at all that day. She hadn’t seen her for _days_. How did Nayeon know?

Grasping the paper in her clenched palm, Mina anxiously walked to the front door of her house. She pushed the door slightly open, and peeked through the small gap. There was no sign of Nayeon. And if Nayeon were indeed there, why would she hide?

Shaking her head, Mina closed the door and went back inside her bedroom. Folding the paper messily, she basically threw it inside the sling bag before lying down on her bed, shutting her eyes so that the weird thoughts would go away.

But they stayed.

-

“So I heard your father was fired from his job, huh?”

Mina stopped walking and turned around, meeting the three girls, she didn’t even remember their names, and just stared at them. She honestly hated everyone in her school, except for Park Jihyo the teacher, but those three girls never failed to get to her nerves every time they talked to her. All of them were her seniors, but they ended up in the same batch, and Mina felt glad because she knew she wasn’t the worst when it came to intelligence.

Unlike most of her schoolmates, Mina didn’t have anyone she was close with. Her friends went with their so-called squads, some of them even invited Mina to join in, but she was never interested. At the end of the day, their xenophobic asses would leave Mina out anyway. She didn’t have time for all that shit.

The second girl with short hair cackled before continuing, “It’s good though, you can actually consider dropping out of this school.”

It resulted in their simultaneous laughs. Mina didn’t understand what was so funny about that. They were laughing at her stepfather. She would laugh with them too, really.

And no, her stepfather wasn’t fired. He was only suspended because of a ruckus he caused after arguing with a costumer. Besides, his job wasn’t so great either. If he were indeed fired Mina would apply to replace him and they would accept her right away.

Apparently, he acted up to his coworkers too, not just to Mina at home. His boss wasn’t impressed and he was suspended. That was actually pretty kind of him, but a nightmare for Mina. It meant that she would spend more time with him at home. It honestly made Mina so hopeless. Home was hell and school wasn’t any better.

These past months weren’t so bright after all.

“But oh wait,” The first girl stopped laughing, so did her two minions, “this Japanese doesn’t have to worry. She’s got her own sugar girlfriend!”

Mina raised her eyebrows. They were so lame.

“What a whore. Why don’t you just go back to your country, Myoui?”

“She can’t possibly leave her girlfriend! Where would she get her money from then?”

It finally made Mina laugh with them. It definitely wasn’t their best day of insult. Mina didn’t even feel a slight bit of annoyance at them.

Still smiling, Mina then walked closer to the first girl in the middle until the tips of their shoes touched. She expected her to back away but she didn’t.

“You’re right.” Mina said, smirking, “I only have to fuck her for some quick cash. None of you gets do to that so you don’t need to worry about my father getting fired. I’ll just fuck my girl some more to compensate it. Easy money, right?”

The first girl’s nostrils flared, “You--”

There were two loud honks that startled them all, probably the whole school as well. Mina turned her head and saw Nayeon’s car right by the gate. She gave one last smirk to the first girl before dashing off to her _girlfriend_.

Nayeon didn’t bring her Chauffeur anymore after she got her own license. Mina peeked at her first before entering the car.

“Who is that.”

Nayeon asked immediately before Mina even put her seatbelt on.

“Hmm?”

“Who is that.”

Nayeon wasn’t looking at her. Mina followed her gaze and found the three girls again, currently glaring at her direction. She held her sigh then. Nayeon must’ve seen the earlier conversation. Mina really wasn’t in the mood facing _another_ angry person that day.

“I don’t remember her name.” Mina said, buckling her seatbelt, “Nothing happened.”

“Did you kiss her.”

“What? No, of course not.”

“You were so close to her.”

“I just talked to her.”

“By being that close?”

Mina was still trying to hold it in, “She said something about you and I told her to mind her own business. That’s all.”

“Why did you let her being so close to you?”

“I told you, we just talked, Nayeon. Nothing happened.”

“Why did you need to go that close.”

“We literally just--”

“Why--”

“You know what, whatever.” Mina unbuckled her seatbelt, “I’ll just go back to her.”

Nayeon instantly grabbed her wrist, “What are you talking about.”

Mina took a deep breath. She could never win with Nayeon when the latter was angry.

“Look,” She started again, slowly, trying to pull her hand but Nayeon’s grip was too strong, “I’ve been having continuous bad days lately and--”

“Who made you feel bad.”

“Listen--”

“Your friends? Your stepfather?”

“Nayeon--”

“Tell me.”

“Nayeon,” Mina grimaced, the grip was getting stronger and she didn’t like it, “it hurts.”

Nayeon looked down to their hands before letting go of Mina’s wrist in an instant. Mina hadn’t said anything when Nayeon pulled her into a hug, whispering several apologies and promises to make her feel better. Mina kept mum then, burying her face on Nayeon’s shoulder and tried to assure herself that it was okay. Small fights were okay.

She was okay. They were okay.

Although somewhere deep down in her, Mina felt like she was lying to herself.

-

“Do you like it?”

Mina let out a smile as she couldn’t take her eyes off of the drawing of herself.

The thick blanket was loose around them, especially when Nayeon leaned her head on Mina, who was sitting on the edge of Nayeon’s bed. Her chin was on Mina’s warm bare shoulder and her hair tickled Mina’s neck. She sneaked an arm around the younger’s waist from behind, peppering soft kisses on her nape.

“I do.” Mina said, “I really do.”

That was the first time Nayeon ever showed a drawing of her, Mina realized. Nayeon was an artist, she drew, she painted, but before that, she never showed anything Mina-related. Mina had always wondered why, but she never asked. At some points it slipped off of her mind too. But at last Nayeon did draw her and it made Mina feel a lot better after so many bad days lately.

She turned her head and gave the crown of Nayeon’s head a lingering kiss, “Thank you.”

“Mm-hmm.” Nayeon hugged her tighter, voice heavy from drowsiness, “This is the least I can do for you.”

“What do you mean?” Mina raised her eyebrows as she carefully put the drawing on the night stand.

Nayeon groaned, pulling Mina back as she didn’t like the lack of contact, “I can never do enough for you. You know that.”

Mina frowned, “Why are you saying that? You’ve done so much for me already.”

“But not enough to make you happy.”

“No,” Mina lost the frown and pecked Nayeon’s nose, “you already make me happier than before.”

Nayeon shook her head, being the stubborn one as usual. She put both arms on Mina’s shoulders, pushing her so she could sit on her lap.

“I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy with me.”

Mina looked up at her, was slightly confused, “I’ve told you, you already--”

“I want to do more.” Nayeon stated again, more stern, “I want to do more for you. I want to get rid of everything that made your life miserable. Our life miserable.”

Mina just stared up at her lover, didn’t quite know what to say, what Nayeon meant, what Nayeon wanted.

The strange feelings were still there, they actually never left. Mina tried not to get distracted by pulling the girl closer but soon she realized that Nayeon was the actual cause of those feelings.

“You’ll let me, right?” Nayeon cupped Mina’s cheeks, pressing their foreheads together, “You love me, don’t you?”

It was undeniable. Mina closed her eyes to stop the weird feelings pooled inside her but she just couldn’t. The closer Nayeon got, the stronger those thoughts screamed in her head. Mina wouldn’t let those change her mind. Not after what Nayeon had done for her. Nayeon loved her. Nayeon only wanted to do good things for her. It was the same feelings she had for Nayeon. Everything was mutual. She was stupid for worrying so much.

She shouldn’t even thought of doubting Nayeon at the first place.

“Mina,” Nayeon whispered, “you love me, right?”

“Yes.” Mina answered quickly, without thinking, for Nayeon not to doubt her heart, “I do. I love you, Nayeon. I always do.”

Her confessions never went unanswered when it was with Nayeon. As the older kissed her and whispered the same three words right to her lips, Mina surrendered. She could never spare a bit of her attention to anything else when she was with Nayeon, who took all of her as they crashed in their sea of desire.

Nayeon would always be there with her. Everything was going to be okay. Mina had nothing to worry about.

****


	3. drown

Mina opened her eyes. Two hours had passed.

The small alarm clock on Miss Kang’s desk suddenly rang, albeit softly, and the young psychologist rose up from her seat across Mina to turn it off. Mina could still feel her heart thumping loudly in her chest as she unconsciously brought herself recalling her past as suggested by Miss Kang. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she didn’t think it would be that hard either.

Miss Kang then returned to her seat and Mina sat up straight after slouching on the couch for so long, as she preferred to stare up at the ceiling rather than at her psychologist, moreover when she was talking about her past that kept bothering her. Miss Kang was kind, very kind. Mina used to feel skeptical about the whole talking session because she wasn’t the type who talked much, but maybe, if she kept doing it, someday she’d get over it.

“How are you feeling now?”

Mina looked down to the papers on Miss Kang’s lap, wondering what her psychologist wrote there about her.

Before even coming to meet Miss Kang for the first time, Mina was sure the psychologist already knew everything about her. Doctor Min couldn’t possibly hand her to someone who was totally clueless. The young psychologist was already aware of who she was, where she came from until she became eligible for these _sessions_.

At first she thought it was pointless. Dealing with Doctor Min was difficult enough and then he needed to add another one, although they were different, psychiatrist and psychologist duo, but still the same, nonetheless. The only thing that kept her going was Minatozaki Sana’s stern advice, and even that didn’t work once back then. Just when she got over her stubbornness and actually _tried_ to sit down properly in front of Miss Kang for _one_ session, that she started to understand it all.

Doctor Min and Miss Kang didn’t ask her questions because they wanted to _know_ about her life. They knew. They had it printed in their hands all the damn time. It would be too naïve of her not to realize that all they wanted was her to speak.

They wanted to know her point of view. How the story would sound coming out of her own mouth. How she _felt_ recalling her unpleasant story, rather than the story itself.

She understood it now. She cooperated well now. Mina _hated_ feeling weak but Miss Kang never made her feel so. Sure, she was there because she needed her help but that didn’t necessarily mean she was weak. Continuous comfortable sessions with Miss Kang also helped her with the ones with Doctor Min. She didn’t need to be told twice to take her medicines, knowing well that she indeed needed them.

Miss Kang shifted her position on the couch then, reminding Mina that she was taking so long to answer. But the psychologist was patient. She was never impatient.

“I don’t know.” Mina said honestly, with her improper Korean but Miss Kang had said multiple times that she didn’t mind, “I really don’t know.”

Before the session started, she thought two hours were too long and she would run out of stories to tell Miss Kang, but in fact, it hadn’t finished yet. She hadn’t told her full story. It hadn’t even reached the peak, when the night that changed everything happened. She wanted to tell more, she really did, but two hours were up and she had to wait for another week or two for another appointment with Miss Kang.

“I… don’t want to remember it.” Mina continued, grasping the ends of her sleeves that reached her palms, “All of them. The whole thing right after Mom died. But I…”

It was already difficult. Mentioning a mere name was so difficult.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

Miss Kang tilted her head, she was so pretty and warm it helped Mina lose her tension.

“Why are you a bad person?”

“Because I… after everything that happened, I…” Mina closed her eyes, clenching her fists, “I still love her.”

It was true that whenever Mina remembered her, her mind replayed that night’s scene, when she found out someone she loved so dearly was a monster, and she was too stupid for not realizing it. She was too blinded by all the love and attention she was getting. She overlooked the signs, the hints, the curiosity, everything that seemed wasn’t right, because she was too trusting.

But she would also be lying if she said she had forgotten the great memories _she_ gave her. She remembered how happy she was, they were. She remembered the genuine smiles, hugs and kisses. She wanted to forget them all. But at the same time she couldn’t, and a part of her told her to just stop trying.

“I should hate her. I went through hell because of her. But I also felt heaven because of her.” Mina pursed her quivering lips, “Why-- what can I do to make her-- she just wanted me to be happy she never wanted anything else--”

Miss Kang put the papers on the desk between them and gave Mina a pack of tissue. Mina rarely cried in front of others, but Miss Kang’s whole demeanor made Mina feel like she truly cared, she didn’t just pity her.

“Someone might love us a little too much that they would do anything for our sake, even though deep down in ourselves, we don’t feel the need of them to do that.” Miss Kang said softly, “No matter for what purposes they are, wrongdoings are still bad, and we can’t justify them just because they’re done for us. That’s selfish. And it’s never good for all parties involved.”

Mina sniffed, hiding her face from Miss Kang because of course she was embarrassed, “I’m a bad person, then.”

“No,” Miss Kang chuckled, “everyone’s a good person at heart. It’s just about time until they realize they are.”

Mina only nodded her head. Miss Kang always had a way with words. But they still comforted her, somehow.

“I was wondering,” Miss Kang started again, after a comfortable silence, “how does a group session sound like?”

Mina stared blankly at her, “Group session?”

“Yes. You get to meet others who share, probably not the same problems, but the same consequences they have to deal with. You get to listen to their stories, and they get to listen to yours. So that none of you will feel like you’re alone again.”

The girl went mum. It honestly didn’t sound so bad.

“It’s up to you, still. If you don’t want to, it’s fine.”

“No,” Mina quickly answered, before she changed her mind, “it’s fine. I’m-- I’ll do it.”

The smile widened, “You will?”

“Yes. I’ll do it.”

“That’s great. I’m glad.”

Mina returned the wide smile with her shy one as she was back in looking down again. She had come so far. She realized it too.

“Anyway, it’s been two hours,” Miss Kang peeked at the clock on the wall, “and fifteen minutes. You did so well by telling me your story, Mina.”

The girl smiled, still nodding her head.

“I think Detective Minatozaki isn’t here yet. We still have some little time, if you want. Is there something else you want to tell or ask me?”

Mina bit her lip, she had thought of one question but it had slipped off of her mind. Miss Kang, though, had reminded her about it.

“Um,” She hesitated, but she might forget it again after that so she decided to just ask, “do you think I’m-- no, it’s…”

When she couldn’t find the right words, Miss Kang was still patient.

“Do you think I’ll lose her too?” Mina bravely looked up then, “Detective Minatozaki. Would she leave me too?”

She wasn’t dumb. Of course Miss Kang wouldn’t know the answer. She just wanted to let it out. Life had been going pretty well for her, mostly because of Minatozaki Sana, and the last time it happened, she ended up being left behind. It wasn’t like she didn’t trust the detective, she did. She truly did. The whole country did too, probably, for what the detective had done repeatedly in bringing justice. She just couldn’t shake off the fear building up in her.

“What if she left me too?”

Miss Kang leaned back to the couch, the smile never left her face, “Well, as much as I want to say _no, she won’t_ , I can’t. Because I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or even tonight. I don’t blame you for having such thoughts. It’s okay. I understand.”

Mina interlaced her fingers to one another, undeniably feeling relieved.

“However, it doesn’t make it necessary for us to keep dwelling in our fear. We’ve thought of the worst possibility, sure, but it would be a waste not to look and cherish the good parts. Someone like Detective Minatozaki is… I’d say, hard to find. There’s a reason she has such a great reputation. And I think that reason is enough for you to keep aside the bad thoughts, bits by bits.”

_Bits by bits._ Mina smiled to herself.

Time was all she needed.

“Do you agree with that?”

The girl nodded with the same smile, heart no longer thumping so loudly.

“She saved my life, Miss Kang.”

And maybe, one day, Mina could save hers too.

-

“What happened?”

Mina eyed the detective who was driving beside her with a slight frown. There was a pretty long cut on the detective’s right cheek. Her knuckles were bleeding too. Mina could tell that they were ignored. Sana wasn’t the type to tend her wounds.

She just never liked seeing anyone get hurt.

“Youngjae has got to be the weirdest detective I’ve ever worked with.” Sana sighed, “He literally went up to the suspect politely asking him to be arrested just because _he looked kind, Sunbaenim._ In the end we had some tiring chase-arounds, boy really ran so quickly, and I bumped to some people, and things, so yeah.”

Sana wasn’t so different from her. Everyone knew how Sana had always preferred to be alone. She used to have no one taking care of her, but things had changed since she let Mina in. The girl realized it too. That was the least she could do for someone she depended on the most in her life. And Sana just went along with it.

The detective always had that tough image whenever she went, but it started to fade whenever she was with Mina. Sana probably had thrown away all of her short-sleeved shirts and tees, but she never hesitated to roll her sleeves up to her elbows when she was only left with Mina. She didn’t hide her hatred toward cars’ alarms that went off. She was honest in telling Mina that she would never, ever cook again, not until she got over of her fear of kitchen knives.

They shared some similar fears. The journey to save Mina was difficult for Sana too. It left scars both physically and emotionally on her. Mina at first was just as afraid as anyone else in seeing those scars, but she had gone so far until holding Sana’s right hand every time she could, so the scar there wouldn’t be visible for both of them. Or for Sana, especially, since the one who despised it the most was the owner.

Mina never wanted her to feel that way.

“At least get some band aids or something.”

“I don’t have them.”

“What kind of detective doesn’t have band aids?”

A shrug, “Well, that would be me.”

“Then let’s go buy some.” Mina frowned even deeper before mumbling, “I also want some chips.”

Sana made a face, “You could’ve just said you wanted chips.”

They made a stop in a nearby convenience store. It was Sana’s favorite place for a quick meal and soon became Mina’s too. They never cooked at home, they always ate outside or bought take-outs, and since Sana was so busy, Mina was forced to go with her schedule so basically none of them were well taken care of.

Mina didn’t mind, though.

“She’s really kind, isn’t she.” Sana mumbled, after throwing a pack of band aids into the shopping basket in Mina’s hands, “Miss Kang.”

“Yeah. She is.”

“When’s your next session?”

“Next Thursday.” Mina grabbed another pack without Sana knowing, “I can go alone if you’re busy.”

“The place is too far from home. I’ll drive you.”

Mina just nodded at that. There was no point of arguing with the detective.

“It’s a group session, she said.”

“What’s a group session?”

“I’m not sure but I guess it won’t be just me she listens to.”

A hum, “So like, all of you, together in one place, with Miss Kang?”

“She said so.”

Sana turned to her, “And you’re okay with that? I mean, you can always say no, right?”

“It’s fine. Miss Kang gave me a choice and I said yes.”

The detective stopped walking, “You said yes.”

Mina did so too, “Yeah, why?”

Sana’s smile wasn’t as wide as Miss Kang, but it was contagious enough, “I’ll treat you meat after that session.”

The girl giggled while adding, “And pork.”

“And pork.” Sana nodded.

“With Detective Hirai.”

“With Detective-- wait no, absolutely not. You must be joking. She’ll suck me dry. No, it will be just the two of us.”

Mina let out a laugh that time at the face Sana made. They continued walking slowly through the aisles of that store.

“I wonder if--” Sana’s phone suddenly buzzed inside her coat pocket and she walked away to pick it up after seeing the name on the screen, “wait.”

The girl glanced at Sana shortly as she walked to where the chips were placed. The convenience store was quiet so Sana’s voice could still be heard.

“Yeah, hi, Mom. I’m good.”

Mina’s steps halted. Something felt suddenly familiar.

“Um, no, we’re not going home for the long weekend. Yes, but work’s been hectic these days. I need to stay around.”

She slowly turned around to where Sana was talking on the phone. With her mom. In Japanese.

Her chest clenched. She’d seen this before.

She’d seen _her_ before.

“No it’s nothing big it’s just not quite right for me to go home while everyone else stays. What? Mina? She can’t go without me. That’ll be dangerous, Mom.”

Mina remembered. It was all too familiar. Only it wasn’t raining at the moment. She wasn’t sitting down waiting for someone then. And the blood-- she was glad it was also different.

Smiling, Mina looked down. She still remembered it all. It was Minatozaki Sana all along. The two of them had met way before everything happened. No, even the _three_ of them were in the same place and none of them realized it.

After saying goodbye to her mother, Sana ended the call and put her phone back inside her pocket, “My mom wants us to go home for the long weekend, but I said no since that Apgujung case isn’t done yet and you have exams soon. I used to offer her to come here instead but she knows that I’d just ignore her for work so she always refuses.”

She then saw Mina who was smiling by herself some steps ahead of her, not quite listening to what she was saying. It earned the girl a deep frown then.

“What?”

Mina looked up, unable to hide her smile, but decided to hide the story instead, “Nothing.”

She then turned back around, with her smile wider than ever.

-

“I heard you’re graduating soon.”

The receptionist in the front desk was very kind to her.

To everyone else, Mina supposed, but she was glad she was included in it. She was skeptical. She couldn’t help it. Miss Kang said it was okay too. Of course Miss Kang advised her to let it loose, but she needed time and it wouldn’t be that day.

“Oh, yes.” Mina nodded, pausing slightly from writing her name down in the guest book, “In two weeks.”

The receptionist smiled, and Mina quickly looked back down to the guest book to avoid any unnecessary nervousness. She still couldn’t smile back at a receptionist. Maybe the time she needed was longer than she thought.

“That’s great.” The receptionist added, and Mina’s head screamed at the attempt to be friendly, “What’s your plan after it, then? Going to college?”

She and Sana had talked about it right after the final exam week was over. Sana also told her some of her own experiences after graduating high school, about how she enrolled in the police academy and all. Her family didn’t approve it, and although she kept going, she admitted that it was hard for her not receiving the support she needed, so she’d let Mina choose anything she wanted this time.

She was allowed to go to college. She was also allowed not to go to college. If she wanted a job instead, she was allowed to look for it. Sana let her choose. Never once Sana told her what to do.

And never once did Mina ever stop wondering how she deserved someone like that.

“Well,” Mina put the pen down, done writing her name, age, and address, “I… want to…”

She hadn’t told Sana about it. Glancing slightly with the corner of her eye, she saw Sana sitting down a little bit far from her, not paying enough attention to catch up on the conversation, and it made her decide it was safe for her to spill.

“Um, college.” She hesitated, but was certain.

A wider smile from the receptionist, “Sounds awesome. What major will you take?”

Mina pursed her lips. College wouldn’t be easy. Sure, she had proved Sana’s words about high school being _easier than she thought_ but college would be different. It wasn’t just about the major or the subjects. It would also determine what she’d be later in life, and Mina hadn’t quite deeply thought of it before.

She just wanted to continue studying. Anything, really. Years of abandoning education had made her forget she actually _enjoyed_ studying. She just needed a supporting environment for it. Studying was great. It helped her in many things, especially in distracting her from dwelling on her past. It made Sana happy too and she always wanted Sana to be happy.

“I haven’t really thought about it.” Mina answered honestly, interlacing her own fingers and her eyes on them, “But maybe… something complicated.”

“Complicated?”

“Yes.” So she could be distracted even more.

The receptionist smiled, softly pulling the guest book back to her, “I’m sure every major is great. Depends on your passion. I hope you find the best one for you.”

She gave the woman behind the desk one small bow before walking back to sit beside Sana, after being told to wait. Sana looked more worried than her. It was obvious since Mina told her of Doctor Jang’s approval of her visit some days ago. Mina understood that. It would be the first time since that awful trial.

“How long would it be again?” Sana asked, crossing her arms.

Mina smiled, it was the nth time Sana asked that, “Thirty minute’s the longest.”

“You’ve told Miss Kang about this right? And Doctor Min?”

“Yes, I have. And both of them said it would be fine.”

“And how about you?” Sana turned to her, eyes sharp and serious, “Would you be fine?”

Mina stilled, “Well, I’m--”

“Miss Myoui Mina?”

A nurse suddenly called for her. Mina stood up and followed suit when she politely asked her to come with her.

She could tell Sana was more than anxious.

-

_Nothing was ever too late. You coward._

Mina read the last word on the wall again.

_Coward._

The sound of the door being closed from outside did in tearing her eyes away from the huge and messy handwriting on the wall, in red. The sight of the nurse walking away after giving her another polite smile finally made it sink in that it was real. That she wasn’t dreaming. That she really wasn’t thinking when Doctor Jang gave her the approval and she said she’d go right away.

She didn’t want to deal with how she felt in facing the handwriting anymore, so Mina turned around to the hospital bed.

Saying it as a hospital was indeed true, but she knew better that it was more of an asylum. If people said they were scared of hospitals then they’d clearly never been to an asylum. The place was empty, silent, until the sound of her footsteps walking closer to the bed could be heard a little too clearly.

She was afraid if she’d wake her. But then again she wasn’t even sure if _she_ were indeed asleep.

The room was quite spacious. There were two hospital beds there inside, by each wall. Mina slowly took a seat on the empty bed, staring at the figure lying by her side, her back facing Mina but somehow her face still could be seen, and her heart broke all over again, as if it had been mended when it never was.

She was still lovely. Nayeon. Always the loveliest in Mina’s eyes.

The news spread faster than ever. Most would call it bad news, but Mina knew it wasn’t, because it finally, finally brought her to Nayeon. It would be cruel of her if she said she was grateful for it, but knowing everything that had unfolded, Mina knew there was nothing he deserved more than death. She might not know, and she didn’t care either, of where people go after they die, but she believed someone like him wouldn’t have it easy.

Most people outside saw her as a victim, and they pitied her the same way they despised Nayeon, the true _culprit_. They said Mina was fooled, used, any bad terms they could blurt out, and Mina didn’t argue with those. It was true. Everything was true. Detective Minatozaki Sana didn’t work so hard for her to deny the truth that she was indeed a victim.

Even until then, she still felt like one.

Her heart skipped a beat when Nayeon suddenly moved, her feet shifting uncomfortably, ignoring the blanket that was prepared for her. Mina saw the ankles, how they had bruises around them, just like what she got in her wrists because of the handcuffs back then. Although they were inside, it was somehow cold, and the white gown wasn’t enough to cover her up. Mina clenched her fists and let go of the idea of wrapping the petite frame with the blanket, because they were no longer in the past.

Mina initially never meant to count. She didn’t want to weep. She didn’t even want to remember. So she never kept the dates of when she last saw Nayeon in her head. Ever since she was first handcuffed in that police car with scary officers, she never meant to count the days since Nayeon left her.

She just couldn’t bear it. Nayeon was her only one.

Million questions summed up in one _why_ always replayed in her head when it came to Nayeon. No, it wasn’t just about the blood and death. It was also why out of all people, Nayeon had to be the one enduring so much pain. The one who gave her the undivided happiness was the one who needed help the most. If only Nayeon were a little bit, just a little bit honest with her, maybe things would change. Maybe that wasn’t how they’d meet again after a long time.

Mina silently scoffed at herself again. She had too many _what ifs_. None of them would happen anyway.

Everything was fucked up since the first place. Nayeon was _never_ honest with her. All those accidental meetings by the alley were utter lies. There was no such thing as a girl bumping up on another girl whose hands were bleeding by coincidence and shit. They were all lies. Mina’s story was different from hers. Mina’s point of view was different from hers.

Nayeon had always insisted of doing things her way. Nayeon was never truthful, not even one bit. She made Mina feel like she knew her so well when it was the opposite. She had her façade, Mina knew that, but she didn’t know she also had one when she was with her.

Mina didn’t know how to feel. All of those emotions building up in her all these years resulted in nothing. She thought she would feel something, anything, the moment she saw Nayeon with her own eyes again, but none came out. She wanted to let things out, to blame Nayeon on everything, to tell her just how much she _loathed_ her, but she couldn’t. The urge wasn’t the anymore. The anger had vanished just like that.

Maybe what her mother said back then was true that people would become fools when they were in love. Maybe Mina was a fool herself, just like how Nayeon was one for her. They were still them anyway, two young girls who fell in love with each other.

A soft knock on the door made Mina jump a little. The same nurse earlier was seen and gestured Mina that the time was almost over. Doctor Jang only gave her thirty minutes. She realized she used the time mostly for thinking and not actually paying attention to Nayeon right across her.

Standing up, Mina then walked closer to Nayeon’s bed. Her lover was still leaning by her side, facing the wall, unwilling to look at Mina. Her arms were crossed by her chest, hugging herself. Her hair had grown so long by then, sprawled messily on the pillow. Mina felt her heart drop seeing how Nayeon’s eyes weren’t closed. She was awake the whole time. She knew Mina was there.

Doctor Jang told her that the news somehow made Nayeon’s condition improve. She took the suicide news so well. She was aware that despite her current condition, that goddamn father of hers still had his eyes on her. So when he was finally gone for good, she naturally became _happier_ , and that impacted positively on her condition. Because of that Doctor Jang _finally_ granted Mina a visit. And there she was, there they were.

It was indeed fucked up. Nothing was ever normal for both of them.

Her heart felt numb when she took the ones she had prepared before, the small swan handicraft good and a piece of paper, from her coat pocket and put them on the desk right beside Nayeon’s bed. They were the last things she would give her. She’d given so much already. Even a part of her wasn’t in her own grasp yet.

No one except the people who really knew her ever told her to forget Nayeon. To pretend Nayeon never existed. To never mention the name, ever again. No one did. Not even Sana who had to deal with the monster inside Nayeon multiple times. They said it was okay for her to acknowledge. It was okay for her to remember. But Mina herself wasn’t sure about it.

She didn’t want to think about it either.

Another soft knock was heard and Mina wasn’t surprised that time. Thirty minutes had passed. She mentally thanked Doctor Jang for giving her a time limit. Who knows what she would do if he didn’t, really.

Mina saw Nayeon blinked once, twice, before turning around and soon leaving the room without looking back. She ignored the sight of a tear from those beautiful eyes. Nayeon could cry. The same way Mina cried her heart out too many times before. Nayeon wasn’t there for her. Mina didn’t need to be there for her too.

Her steps were rushed, her fists clenched tightly, her heart thumping loudly. Funny how they didn’t happen when she was actually inside there with Nayeon. The questions from the nurse, whatever they were, went to deaf ears as Mina quickened her pace to see the only one who could ease her anxiety.

Minatozaki Sana had her arms crossed with an impatient look on her face. Mina didn’t realize how her relieved breath came out too loud as soon as she saw the detective. Sana looked just as relieved when Mina literally ran to hug her.

The detective’s voice was the only one she could hear, “Let’s go home.”

The next few months Doctor Jang never granted her another visit. Mina could tell he somehow regretted allowing her to go. She knew everything went back to the first step because of her. She was the one Nayeon shouldn’t see the most. Not her father, or anyone else, but her. Just because she got better from the suicide news it didn’t mean that it was okay for Mina to be present.

Doctor Min himself admitted of the carelessness of his colleague. It wasn’t Mina’s fault, that was for sure, and Mina was glad he was open in talking about it in between the check-ups, instead of hiding it from her. Like usual, Mina didn’t know how she felt about that, and she preferred not to think about it too much.

It was just when she was left alone, away from everyone else including Minatozaki Sana, that she realized, maybe she also regretted coming to see Nayeon. If it weren’t just her who got hurt but Nayeon did too, then she regretted it so much. She regretted remembering. She regretted confessing. She regretted everything she did since she first agreed on Doctor Jang’s offer without thinking twice.

But everything was too late and she couldn’t possibly take the confession away from where she had placed it. Even if someone did throw, or burn the paper to ashes, Nayeon had read it, and it would stay in her head just as long as it would in Mina’s.

She didn’t lie about it, though. She would never lie to Nayeon.

The rain in that dark afternoon didn’t seem to come to an end soon. And as Mina closed her eyes in her cold bedroom, basking in the silence with the absence of Minatozaki Sana, her own words written in the paper kept replaying in her head.

_In the end of the wave, we crash and we drown._

_We become far apart and none of us survives, but my love for you still remains._

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments. I really appreciate them :) If there's something you're still confused about this story (or green window), feel free to ask! I'll answer as long as it doesn't spoil the next one :)
> 
> Anyways, see you in the next adventure!!


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